His Broken Heart
by 1Z1
Summary: (Book one to the dear max series) (Complete!) The night Magnus left Alec at the Subway he's grown farther and farther despressed finally one night when Alec's by himself he had enough
1. Forgive Me

A broken heart is a horrible thing it can kill or it can destroy.

Magnus POV.

I couldn't take my eyes off the broken form in front of me but why should i care? it was his own fault they were how they where it isn't mine i haven't done anything, but love the broken angel in front of me, I could see the tears in his eyes but that didn't make me feel anything but mad and that was the last thing I need, so I did what I thought was right I turned and walked away leaving the broken destroyed angel boy behind me as he cried over the love of his life walking out of his life forever.

\--Two weeks later--

Alec POV.

It felt like everything was numb, like I couldn't feel anything that i was without feeling, that I couldn't breathe because he was somewhere in the world enjoying his life more without someone as ugly as me holding him back I wasn't messing up everything for him.He could go party and flirt with whoever,whenever and i'll admit it hurts to know he doesn't miss me.

I look at my bathrooms closed door knowing my blades were in there that i could end everything by just sliding the cold unforgiving steel across my wrists and letting my crimson blood drip down onto the icy floor but what about my family would they grieve?

more than likely not iz had simon and jace had clary,Mom and dad wouldn't even blink an eye they'd finally be rid of the disgrace of a son that deflowered himself with a downworlder, I couldn't take another second how could I? when my own mother and father would have wanted me to die instead of my little brother? it hurt but they were right it should have been me if i was a better brother he'd be okay.

I get up and walk over to my desk and sat at it pulling 8 pieces of paper and a pen and wrote

Dear Jace,

I'm so sorry for what i've put you through having someone like me as a parabatai i should have tried harder to make you find someone better, but as always i think of myself and got you stuck in a bad partnership you're a herondale you could have had anyone, but you choose to get stuck with the likes of me when we both know i'm not good for anything, I just hope that you can find some better to fight with to have your back because you should live a long amazing life without me holding you back I can't say how sorry I am that I couldn't be better I should have been and Im sorry.

With all my love Alexander Lightwood

Dear Isabelle,

I'm so sorry for not being a better big brother and not protecting you better, I wasn't there when you needed me the most it wasn't your fault that Max died, i'm so sorry i didn't stop him it was my fault that this is happening and I want you to know that I love you and that I wanted this.

With all my love your brother Alexander Lightwood

Dear Clary,

When I first met you I hated your guts, i'm better now I don't hate you I want you to live a long life with my brother Jace make him happy like I know you will, I couldn't I wasn't there like I should have, I should have been better but I wasn't, but you can fix what I broke, i'm sorry I have been a jerk the last few years but I hope you can learn to forgive me.

Yours truly Alexander Lightwood

Dear Simon,

I hated you at first for not only taking my sister but being open about what you wanted, like I could never be, I don't mean to come off like a jerk that's just how I was raised, to not depend on my emotions so I kind of destroyed them, but I take blame for how I am its not anyones fault but my own, take care of my sister and keep her safe like I never could, love her like she deserves, I hope you and her have a great live together.

Yours truly Alexander Lightwood

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry I wasn't a better son, i'm sorry I didn't become who you wanted, I wish I could have, but I couldn't live a lie I wasn't happy, i'm sorry I didn't die with max I wish every day it had been me you buried and not your son, i'm sorry I was such a bad son that I couldn't protect my little brother and sister, I wasn't good enough to call myself a Lightwood or your son I wish I could have been better for you, but I can't change who I am and what has happened, I know you won't miss me and I wouldn't want you too I don't deserve it I wasn't good enough for that I hope you can make a better life for yourself without your family name being destroyed but your gay downworlder loving son, I love you mom I won't stop never have I, I don't think I ever could stop loving you.

With all my love your son Alexander Lightwood

Dear Dad,

I can't even begin to say how sorry I am for how I turned out, I wish you could have had a better son, that max was still alive and I was the one that died that night please forgive me father, I wasn't the one you wanted, I know you have tried to love me but you couldn't it's not your fault, I don't blame you I couldn't it was my own fault that I turned out like this, i'm so sorry please forgive me I want you to know, I love you I couldn't say I didn't, it would be a lie if I did, I know you won't miss or grieve for me and that's good, I don't deserve it in the first place, just know I have loved you and that nothing in this world could change that.

With all my love your son Alexander Lightwood

Dear Magnus,

I'm so sorry I couldn't be a better boyfriend, I wish I was but I screwed up the one chance of love I got and I couldn't be more sorry, I hope you can forgive me for being so disappointing as a person I didn't deserve you and I hope you find someone better, because you deserve someone as fun and kind and sweet as you are someone that you can share the rest of your immortal life with,i'm sorry I went behind your back to camille I didn't want to hurt you I never want that, but I want you to know that I was only there to hear stories of your past because I didn't want to be some little footnote in the huge story that's your life, but I realize that I don't even deserve that I couldn't even be a good person I thought about shortening your life and even how brief that it was there it was still there and I can't say how sorry I am for doing that, i'm a horrible person and you did the right thing by breaking up with me you deserve a thousand times better than a shadowhunter like me, you should be with a downworlder that can live forever like you,I know you won't grieve for me and I don't want you too your a amazing man and anyone would be lucky to have you, I know I am that I had you for the short time I did but I couldn't help but fall madly in love with you, please don't cry I know you won't though but I will always love you Magnus Bane.

With all my love Alexander Lightwood

I finished each letter folded them and wrote the name that belonged to each on it and walked to my bed, than lined them up it, but I had one more letter to write so I went back to the desk and wrote the painfullest letter of them all that's why I saved it for last because it was so hard for me to write.

Dear Max,

I just want to tell you how sorry I am, that i couldn't save you or have been there or most importantly be a better brother to you, i'm glad you had Jace because I didn't deserve you as a brother that's for sure, I wish I could have been there for you or showed you how to fight, maybe we could have gotten closer but i'll never know because I failed as a big brother and wasn't able to protect you like I should have, it wasn't your fault this happened far from it, it was my own I destroy everything or one im around and no one deserves their lives being messed up because of me i'm so sorry maxie i want you to know if I could have I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat, but I can't no matter how much I wish it, you would have been the best one to have stayed instead of me you would have made mom and dad proud been the perfect son and shadowhunter, but I didn't do my job and now you are dead and i don't get to watch you grow i'm so sorry max please forgive me for being a bad brother and a worse shadowhunter, I want you to know I will always love you and I hope one day you'll grow to forgive me for everything.

With all my love your big brother Alexander Lightwood

I wiped the tears from my eyes as i closed the letter and wrote Max across it,I got up and put it with the others in a box under my bed underneath a loose floor board, I wiped the tears that had begun to drip down my face, I turned to the bathroom and walked in.

I grabbed the blade under my sink and dug it hard into my wrists and smiled I did the right thing by letting them live their lives in peace, I was for once being a good son,parabatai and brother, I was sure doing magnus a favor so he didn't have to see me every time they needed help, I can only hope they

Forgive me.


	2. Forgave Me

Magnus POV.

I don't even know what day it is. I can't move. I'm heartbroken. Nothing matters anymore. Alec is out there somewhere living his life to the fullest without me, but that's what I wanted. I wanted him to be happy to live a carefree life without me.

I jump at the shrill ring that cuts through the silents like a knife. I look over and across the screen says Izabelle should I ignore it, all she wants to do is scream at me. I sigh and grab the phone accepting the call "hello?" I answered rudely. Izabelle sounds weird on the other end. "M-Magnus come quick! Alec slit his wrists!" She was crying now. I couldn't feel sad. I don't know why and it worried me to know the love of my life was dieing and I didn't feel anything. I quickly told her that I was coming that i'd be over there soon hung up and got up off the bed to get dressed.

Chairman meow looked at me like 'when are you going to get my snuggle partner back' I sighed "I don't know buddy, I screwed up big time with that" unlike what everyone thought I do realize it was my fault alec did what he did. But I was to proud to listen to the love of my life and now he had slit his wrists thinking I didn't love him. 'That is enough pity partying! Your Magnus Bane high warlock of Brooklyn! You don't need no one but yourself and your magic and Alec's bright blue eyes his gorgeous smile his sweet laugh how he'…. Stop that!" I shout in the air.

I look around the loft i've called home for centres. it's never felt so empty without Alexander. I sighed again for what felt like the hundredth time that night. No use standing around when my love needed me and I swore that i'd do whatever it took to get him back, no matter the cost! His love mattered to me more than anything in this whole world.

I made a portal to the institute. I didn't even bother knocking, I just ran up the stairs to the now familiar room. What I saw next almost destroyed me.

His room was spotless. The bed made and neat white letters lined his bed with our names; Jace , Isabelle , Clary , Simon , Mom , Dad and finally my name. They were written across each of them. I was almost too scared to touch mine. What would be in it? Hate? Regret? Or worse? I shiver to think what's in it. I turn to the bathroom.

I drop down next to Alec's cold body. Lifeless eyes looking out into nothingness seeing but not seeing. His once beautiful eyes now dull and lifeless. I feel for a pulse and find none. I'm too late he's gone because of me. I break down next to the love of my life, and I know that it won't help but I push magic into his body. The room starts to glitter and shine from the sparks my magic give off but he still doesn't move. How could he? He's already with his angel he loved and fought for, died and risked his life for. How was I going to take back the soul that shouldn't have left the beautiful body next to me this soon. I knew I was going to kill myself if I didn't stop but why should I? What was left to live for? My heart was destroyed. I wanted so badly to be with my angel. Why not drain myself to the point of death?

I could feel myself slipping away like sand through a tight gripped hand. This was it. This is what I wanted my love and me to be together again forever, without cruel people keeping us apart. To live without the threat of this war on us. Just him and me together forever.

Alec...

That's all I think about as I open my eyes, looking into a void of some sort. where was I? Is this hell? Or is heaven and hell not real and this is all you get? No, there has to be more than this. If this is it, where's Alexander? Why am I alone? I barely hear a voice calling to me. It sounded like… Oh it sounds so familiar...Who Alec? No, it couldn't possibly be him but could it?! Was it?! I turn toward the voice and see a speck of black hair running toward me. Was it him? Was it my angel?

Alec POV.

The only thing I felt was icy cold. 'the floor' I thought sadly. I closed my eyes and heard my siblings screaming through my locked door but I couldn't care less. More than likely jace felt me but i'd lost to much blood for them to heal me with a rune. They burst in and run to my side. As I close my eyes and release my last breath, the last thing I saw was them sitting next to me on the ground crying over there dead brother.

My eyes open to nothing. I feel slightly cheated. This is what I get? Years of loyal service as a soldier and THIS is what i get? That's just wrong! I get up and stand to my feet and start walking around. I don't know how long I'd been here when I see a tall tanish looking man and I know it's Magnus but why is he here? Is it a test of some sort from the angel?

I start running and screaming his name. He turns to look at me and I know without a doubt that it's my Magnus and my heart feels light for the first time in weeks. I feel happy. I can only hope that he still.. Loves me

Magnus POV.

I see him getting closer. It is him! My heart is so happy to know he's okay. I start running toward him and he looks so sad it breaks my heart to know it was my fault that he's like this. He stops in front of me out of breath, he smiles sadly and quietly says"hello". I grab him, kissing him on the mouth as if it were the first and last time rolled into one.

I'm overjoyed he's okay, I thought I had lost the love of my life forever. We break apart. I'm smiling the biggest smile! I know I looked stupid but i was to happy to care, my Alec, the love of my life was okay. Alec stood there looking perplexed "Alexander I've missed you so much! I can't believe I was stupid enough to ever let you go. It wasn't fair to push you like that and I blame myself. It was wrong and I deserve it if you never want to see me again. I know it would not make up for what I did to you, nothing would and I can never say how sorry I am to you for that but if you want I'd like to try again, and this time let you know things of my past no one has ever known before, because Alexander Gideon Lightwood I love you with everything I am and everything I will be. I'd willingly die for you if you so asked".

I took a deep breath and sighed now that I'd said my peace I could only hope that Alec Forgave me.I took a deep breath and waited Alec had every right not to want me back but I held my breath waiting as the seconds ticked by I could only hope Alec.

Forgave me


	3. Thats What I Did

Chapter 3

Four weeks later

Alec's POV

It's been weeks since I first found Magnus and since then he figured out that we're in limbo, sort of in-between life and death we also found out that here we don't get hungry or tired Magnus told me we are pretty much dead but I tried being optimistic and looking on the bright side at least we aren't hungry, after I told magnus that I wanted to try our relationship again I thought I would have felt happy but now I'm not so sure I know I love him that's without a doubt but I don't know I just have a feeling In my heart I can't lose him he's my everything, I realize in that moment that without Magnus there is no Alec I can't be whole with out my other half the second half of my every being the man that makes me feel happy and worth something that I mean something.

I gasp to myself eyes wide I feel cold all over with a icy realization I realize Magnus is my reason for living I look at him slightly scared did he know the power he had over me? Would he use it against me make me slave bending my very thoughts to his all powerful will and how I would lie myself down without a second thought to my well-being I knew him or thought I did, I thought bitterly he won't tell me anything 'but he promised too' my head echoed back to me, thinking about that night in the subway station I teared up he let me give him no explanation but here I am ready to lie myself down at his feet my parents were right I am useless and worthless I cringe at my own worthlessness how it shames me my own thoughts turn against me.

I turn my head slightly to look at Magnus he's deep in thought as well but about what? How easy it was for me to jump at the opportunity to be loved by him again? He's probably laughing right now at how easy it was for him to win me back his Shadowhunter pet doing whatever whenever playing his games and doing his tricks, at the end of my rant I was seeing red I was so mad... but then he died for me I frowned his smile, his laugh, the way he holds me how he comforts me when I'm sad I love Magnus even if I don't want too I'm hopelessly, madly, deeply, terribly in love.

Magnus POV.

I sighed deeply poor Alec he looks so sad so heartbroken I couldn't take it anymore "Alec are you okay?" I look at him he forces a small smile, "yeah sure I'm good just want to get home ya know?" he looked at the ground we've been walking around this endless nothingness for weeks trying to find something anything to help us get home but we haven't found anything.

I don't want to say anything to my beautiful Alexander but I'm worried that we'll never get out of limbo but I can't think on things like that it will make me even more hopeless "yeah I know I know how you feel Alec but don't worry we'll get out of here we're almost there" I said trying to make him feel better I thought if maybe I said it aloud enough, I would maybe hopefully convince myself we'd just might make it.

Alec smiled and I knew that whatever happens we'd be just fine.

Alec POV.

I feel like screaming he didn't need to pretend like I was some child that needed his protection how dare he, he had no right I was an adult capable of making my own decisions but still he treats me like I'm still a child.

"Alec!" I heard Magnus scream than all I see is a never ending blackness the void scared me it was so...quiet like I had dropped into a blackhole where was Magnus I heard him just a second ago…..I got nervous what if I stayed there forever I had just gotten Magnus back what if I never got out.

Two weeks earlier

Alec POV.

I lie in my bed looking at the roof my heart is beyond broken Magnus my love my life doesn't love me anymore and it's all my fault he hates me and I deserve every second of it I'm a horrible person worthless Shadowhunter and even worse son my parents have every right to not love me anymore.

I look at my bath room I sniffle and get up going into my bathroom opening the door walking in and silently shut it than I lock it, I get on my knees and grab my blades out from under my sink I hold them above my wrists tears drip down my face onto the icy floor.

I slide the cold steel across my wrist one,two,three,four five times my vision is foggy I get up there's a puddle of blood under each arm,I wrap my arms up,clean the blood off the bathroom floor. I change into a sweatshirt and pass out on my bed glad that I'll be able to sleep finally.

3 weeks earlier

Alec POV.

I haven't slept since me and Magnus broke up missing his warmth next to me his body meshing perfectly to mine his warm breath on my neck letting me know I'm right there and he still loves me my tears slip down my pale cheeks onto the pillow I knew I was ugly with my ribs showing and my skeleton like body but every time I go to eat I just feel sick.

Everytime I lie my head down to sleep I hear his voice I love you but it doesn't change anything or I hear you're not worth it, you should die it would make your family happier you aren't worth anything you should have died with your brother you are a worthless Shadowhunter how dare you call yourself angel blooded you should die

So that's what I did


	4. Forevermore

Chapter 4:

Hearts are fragile, beautiful things. If someone gives you one, treasure it.

Magnus' POV.

I'm scared. No, wait. I'm beyond scared. Is there such a thing? Terrified. Yes, that's it. I stare into the massive hole that Alec dropped into. Is he okay? What's wrong? Should I follow him? I don't know. Yes, I know how this sounds. Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, scared. I've never been this scared in my life but Alec is in that black abyss and I don't know what to do.

What if...?

No. I shake my head.

Should I follow...?

It's better than wondering in limbo by myself without my love.

I slowly, oh so slowly, walk up to the intimidating hole of nothingness.

I step where my feet dangle dangerously close to the edge.

Should I go...?

Or...

Should I stay...?

Alec's POV.

I feel like I'm falling. I hear voices calling something out. As I get closer, I hear better.

"...ec!"

"...lec!"

"Alec!"

By the angel, it's my name! Who is calling me? All of a sudden, I see a white light then I'm icy cold. I sit up, gasping, my eyes wide. I look around.

By the angel...

I'm home.

I look at Jace and Isabelle, shock written across my face. That hole was a portal back to our world, will Magnus follow me? No, why risk himself for someone like me? I think. Suddenly, I'm being hugged, and hard. It's Izzy. I smile, it's good to be here with them but it also makes me sad that I couldn't give them the one thing they needed.

I just wouldn't... die.

I hug her back, tears in my eyes but I quickly blink them away. I don't want her seeing them.

"Hey Izzy," I pull back to look at her. She's been crying and it shocks me. Why would she cry? I'm not important.

"Izzy! Why are you crying?!" I ask. Izzy glares at me.

"Because we thought you were dead, idiot! I was heartbroken," she starts crying harder.

"Why?" I say quietly, so very quiet that it is barely a sound at all. It's more like a thought that tried getting out. Izzy and Jace look at me, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"WHY?! ALEXANDER GIDEON LIGHTWOOD OF COURSE WE WERE SAD! YOU'RE OUR BROTHER, MY BIG BROTHER... I can't lose another one," she starts sobbing into Jace's shoulder. To say I am beyond shocked is an understatement.

They love me.

I let the tears slip down my face. Was I wrong? Do I deserve to live? I'll know if Magnus follows me through. I'll know that maybe we can make this work.

Magnus' POV.

Should I just let him be? I've done enough, I've caused him enough heartbreak. I should just stay here, he doesn't really want me back. How could he, after everything I've done to him? How could he still love me? Why would he?

I look at the hole. Why not just find out if he still cares? What's the harm? The worst he can do is say he doesn't love me anymore. Why not take that jump? I stand up and go towards the hole. I step up to the edge.

And I jump.

Magnus' POV.

~four weeks earlier~

I lie in my bed, looking at my roof. I've tried everything to get over my blue eyed beauty but nothing works. Every time I twist and turn I hear his sobs in the dark, like it echos off the walls just to torture me all night. The sight of his eyes filling with tears, the blue of his eyes darkening with sadness, his heart breaking so loud you could hear the shards of his fragile love cracking and dropping, cutting his insides so he bleeds to death.

I regret every second of every day that I didn't stop and listen to him. I know Alec would never do that to me but I'm too stubborn to have stopped and heard him out. I wouldn't be here if I had, I'd be holding my angel in my arms and he wouldn't be wherever he is now. He'd be safe with me, forevermore.

Magnus' POV.

~three weeks earlier~

I look in the mirror at my reflection. I look hollow, like I'm not fully there. Not really living but so dead, hollow and empty inside that my soul left when I left him and all that's left is a self-conceited, stubborn, 400 year old jerk. I know Isabelle would agree.

I sigh and I look into my cat eyes. Alec was the only one that never flinched away from the very sight of them. I glare at my reflection.

"Why did you do that?! We had it all! A loving partner, a sweet kind person that loved us! Now we have nothing!" I slam my fist into the mirror over and over again. I watch my corrupt, morbid reflection look back at me.

This is what's left of the great Magnus Bane, reduced to nothingness because he lost his toy. A voice in my head grows back, he wasn't a toy to me, he was my everything! I yell back into the silence, the drip drop of my crimson blood hitting the floor. The only thing disturbing the dead silence.

Ha, sure he was! If you loved him that much than where is he?! Oh, that's right. Your idiotic ways ran him off! Typical. That's all you ever do, demon! It growls, all you do is destroy! You killed your mother, your father, now Alec is gone. He left because you told him to never come back! You deserve everything you are getting! I stare emptily into the broken and destroyed mirror. You're right, I do mess up everything...

I killed him

Magnus' POV.

I sit up, gasping. I look over to see Alec and his siblings Alec looks at me oddly.

"What is it, Alec?" I ask worriedly.

"Magnus, no time has passed at all. We were only gone for five minutes," Alec looks at me, confused. I look at him like he's lost his mind.

"There's no way! We've been in there for weeks and you're trying to tell me that we've only been dead for five minutes?!" I yell. Alec looks back at me with just as much disbelief.

"I know, Mags, but that's what Jace and Iz said. We were only gone for five minutes." I get up. I look at my clothes and see Alec's red blood staining my clothes crimson. I pick Alec up.

"Jace, Iz, can you give us a second?" Jace looks ready to protest but Izzy gets him by the ear and takes him outside. I look into Alec's eyes.

"Alexander Lightwood, I've loved you for so long. I can't believe I let myself walk away from you. I have regretted it every day since the day I first laid eyes on you. You're my everything and I can't think of another day without you by my side. Will you take me back?" I say, holding him close. If he says no then I'll respect that and I'll leave him alone forever

Alec's POV.

Oh my, do I want to try again or should I tell him off? Oh, who am I kidding. Of course I do, I love him too much to think of him with anyone else.

"Of course Magnus, always. I'm forever yours," I kiss him sweetly. Magnus smiles a smile that lights up his whole face.

"Well then, thank Lilith because I've wanted to do this for a long time," he's... oh, by the angel, he's getting on his knees, "Alexander Gideon Lightwood, will you do me the greatest honour of becoming my husband, Forevermore?"


	5. AN

hey guys im so sorry it took me so long but alass its finely here i post faster on wattpad but anyway

thank you so much for reading and enjoying my story it means so much to me i lovethat people enjoy it but good news im in the middle of working on not one but two more malec works a sequel to this and a new one called 1850 so ill be posting it soon anyway if you want you can follow me on wattpad under o0Shadow0o or you can contact me on Instagram at 17Ace17 thank you so much for reading i hope you enjoy!


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